To my future self,

I hope today is a good day. I hope you are still feeling healthy and energized by life. But if today is a hard day, if you’re in a slump, then you’re the “me” that I’m writing to. 

I write this so that I can always remember that good days exist. So do good weeks and good months. Healing happens; remission is real; the clouds do break. This is what it’s like to feel fantastic. I have the capacity to thrive. There is a healthy Courtney; a motivated Courtney. I’m not the same highly-driven, type-A1, intense person that I once was, but I am a “total” self and happy with the growth and maturity that has tempered me. I am a full, complete woman. I am whole. I am capable. I am me and I like who I am.  

I’m doing really well right now. I feel better than I have in years – maybe better than I have since I moved to Louisiana nearly 10 years ago. Today I painted my toenails because I could. The weather has been nice, it’s the perfect balance of spring and summer, and I decided I wanted bright, happy, pink toenails. It was a whim, and I did it without deep consideration or exertion. (The left big toe is already smudged; somehow even the smudge makes me smile when I see it.)

I did the dishes this morning almost without thinking. The dishwasher was clean; there were dishes in the sink; so I unloaded, loaded, and hit start. It cost me less than one spoon. 

When a creative idea hits, it brings with it motivation, excitement, energy, and impetus. I have done and redone my charm bracelet, reorganized several closets, engineered cargo space for my bike and customized my seat and handlebars. I even dusted off memories of how to work a sewing machine to make something for Brian, and took on and finished two other projects just because the machine was borrowed and why not? Tasks, wishes, and designs that I have had to shelve for years are suddenly within reach and happening. When I look at my To-Do List, I do not automatically scan for the easiest item while dreading the big things. I look for tasks that fill the time available and often find things to cross off I did without having to consult the list. I am re-writing my list often due to all the things I am checking off. 

I have had rough mornings, infuriating phone calls, roadblocks at work, and days of exhaustion, but none of these have triggered a slump or spiral disproportionate to the event. I feel bad, I deal with it, and the day goes on. I forget about it. 

There are days I don’t want to go to work. But it is a want to stay home, and not an inability to get out of bed; I get up and go anyways. There are times I don’t want to move the laundry, but I am not paralyzed by the dread of it. When I stand up to fill my water, I continue on to the laundry room. I remember what needs to be done and I complete small tasks as soon as I see them. I have difficulty focusing for an hour or two, but I don’t lose time. I can concentrate if I change tasks or environments. I am able to do what needs to be done. 

I find myself singing without meaning to. I text others and wait excitedly for their responses. I spend a couple hours a week talking on the phone with friends and family. We go out to lunch or have family over and it is satisfying, fulfilling, without being tiring. I revel in every hug, never too wrung out to be touched. 

I am excited to kiss my husband. I naturally gravitate into cuddling, hugging, or leaning on him. I hold his hand as we walk and grin every time he says “hello” and I notice only when I see him smile in return.  

And no, the days aren’t perfect: they aren’t supposed to be! The days are good. The hiccups and road bumps are just life, not the herald of something horrible. 

My life is busy in the best way. I am productive at home and at work and at church; with family and friends and the kids we serve. I foresee times of challenge ahead of me; times of stress and even more busyness. I look forward to meeting and defeating those challenges; I believe the labor will be satisfying and the rewards will be worth the effort. I choose to take on these commitments. 

I write this letter because today is a good day. I believe tomorrow will be as well. I hope for many, many more good days to come. I am planning on staying healthy and doing all I can to maintain this progress. 

But I know that my future is not up to me. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or how long this reprieve will last. So I write this letter for the day that I might need the reminder of good times and hope for the next relief. 

I end with this: I am content. I am blessed. And if depression was somehow necessary to bring me to where I am today, then it was worth it. I am satisfied. 

I have love, joy and peace, and those aren’t going anywhere no matter what happens next. If hope feels out of reach right now, hold onto belief. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it… nor will it.

Simply,

Courtney